Suicide Squad: Really Rottens vs. Scooby Doobies

Suicide Squad is a 2016 production from DC Universe which also includes superheroes like Batman and Superman. Highlights of the movie consists of internal inconsistency, weak plot, boring characters, bad jokes and Margot Robbie’s ass. It is understandable that movies that feature superheroes or supervillains, who turned into superheroes in fifteen minutes, have a target audience including very young viewers, but this fact or any other shouldn’t be excuses for movies being inconsistent especially within the universe they create.
 

Fig.1. There’s a coloring book of the movie

One of the reasons that superhero genre becoming worse and worse, except some isolated examples, is that the exaggeration which they created themselves over the time. Instead of becoming more and more epic over time, the fact that characters and events being just more exaggerated than before cause a sense of them being ordinary or absurd in the eyes of a regular viewer who’s not a particular fan of the genre. For instance, it is realistic to expect characters casually walking out of helicopter crashes which happen once for every half hour on average, would unavoidably create excitement equal to a character brushing his teeth over time.
 
The worst enemy of audience’s ability to care for the main characters is their common superpower being “immortality”. We tend to try to guess how many air flip-flaps a character will do while getting away from a gun conflict instead of whether he or she is going to be hurt. Beside these superheroes who are getting exponentially stronger every time, even ordinary people in these movies do not feel any exhaustion, hunger and pain longer than a few seconds. Let alone wounds which would take months of resting to heal and most probably cause permanent damage, we do not even care for characters who cannot make open heart surgery on themselves during a battle and not leave the conflict tumbling and sprinting.
 
It is true that one of the most valuable assets a fantasy or sci-fi movie has is to establish their own rules of the world and characters but we can only call the scenarios as shitty which have no respect to the rules they establish themselves.
 
Suicide Squad unfortunately is such a movie. It can be satisfying to see their beloved characters on giant screen with deafening sounds and blinding lights for hardcore fans, but for an ordinary viewer it is almost impossible to concentrate on the movie filled huge plot holes, unrealistic events and incredible exaggeration.
 
So, instead of watching this movie, it might be better to prefer the actual comics, or if you want to use your precious time more efficiently you could read endless lists of “most x” or have a midday nap of two hours. But if you’re insisting on watching this movie and will try to mend plot holes via a dialog featured in the 34xth volume of story published in 90’s, please do. It would decrease your time in public.
 
As always, the rest of the article includes major spoilers. If you are going to watch the movie I recommend you not to read the rest.
 
 
 

—SPOILER—

 
 
 
The main driving force of the plot is explained very well by one of the main characters who’s a government official named Amanda Waller:

– We got lucky with Superman. He shared our values. The next Superman might not.
– You’re playing with fire, Amanda.
– I’m fighting fire with fire.
– You’re not going to pitch us that Task Force X project of yours again, are you?
– Yes. But this time, you’re gonna listen.

If you have watched Man of Steel and Batman v Superman, you’d find her concern quite relatable as being watched the destruction of half of Metropolis in the first movie and second half in the second. But it is Superman that we’re talking about. The most boring character among superheroes due to his overwhelming abilities. Strong enough to lift a petrol platform, faster than military jets, shooting highly destructive lasers out of his eyes. Of course, he has his weak points that would help a plot, well, to be a plot, such as kryptonite, two supermen, kryptonite, his loved ones, kryptonite and kryptonite. So the question is, would the Task Force X be sufficient or necessary for such a threat? Even if they are, would it be wise to set these extremely dangerous murderers loose? The questions answered by the movie’s logic as a NO. “No, but anything for $765 million, right?”
 

Fig.2. If we give these to General Zod as breakfast, maybe he gets sick and gives up

Task Force X might only be meaningful for Waller, who’s in charge of them. It is very reasonable for an ambitious person as Waller to try to establish her personal supervillain army. In fact, Enchantress fetching Tahran’s top secret security plan in just a few second during a demo of what Task Force X can do, does seem pretty impressive. But it neither justifies other members’ lack of similar superpowers, nor does it seem reasonable that no one actually said “this is very good, now we shall take the next 5 minutes off and have the same for every country currently existing on the face of the Earth, and an americano please, black, no sugar. Thanks.” There’s a time for everything, right. No.
 

Fig.3. “Enchantress is good. Too good actually. Hmm”

Again, I cannot seem to understand why one of these supervillains having a particular power that is very impressive automatically justifies every single one of them. To better understand this, keeping the goal being “dealing with the next Superman” in mind, let us try to understand how useful these villains might be without the plot proof gear and raining deus ex machinas that we’re absolutely used to seeing in these types of movies.
 

Fig.4. Their soft spots are being beaten up, electroshock, elecktroshock and tranquillizers. But, these are my weak points as well. Does it mean…

Our first character is Floyd Lawton, a.k.a Deadshot. He’s a very skilled assassin who “never misses a shot.” He kind of misses at the very beginning of the movie but, hey. He’s also a very talented fighter as every supervillain ever. He has his weak spots, of course, like a fuckin bullet to his head, or heart, at close range grenade explosion or seasonal flu. But seriously, how can you fill someone’s place who has 100% hit rate? With 4 people who have 25% hit rate? That’s nonsense. It is undeniably proved that every person who’s not a superhero has 0% hit rate.
 

Fig.5. Did you know that bullet proof people are bullet proof?

Well, if you have a situation where you need a “single and impossible hit” Deadshot might seem like the way to go but for a movie where every sniper does salvo shoots this cannot be the case. Moreover, the scenarists should have felt the same obligation since they squeezed an impossible shot at the end of the movie. But if you come to think of it, they could have used autocannons with 5500 RPM shooting power instead of shooting a bomb in midair. This renders not one, but a battalion of Deadshots useless. For this reason we have many scenes with helicopters falling from the sky like flies around trap lights.
 

Fig.6. There’s no impossible shot, there’s low RPM

Since bullets actually bounce off from people like Superman and his equivalents, possibility of Deadshot shooting himself with those bouncing bullets can easily be calculated to be higher. Deadshot’s probably survive someone from who bullets actually bounce off and can move near at the speed of light is nearly as much as you squeezing a single grape between your fingers. Not very long. So instead of him we’ll have 30 special forces members with a total hit rate of 2500%. Thanks.
 

Fig.7. Compare: Left: Deadshot. Right: Bad guys

In second place, there’s Harley Quinn. She gets assigned to Joker as his psychiatrist while working in Arkham Asylum. After a while, she falls in love with him and helps him to escape the asylum. In return Joker first applies electroshock on her and then makes her jump to a giant bleach tank which apparently gives people extraordinary shooting and fighting skills as well as a horrible humor who swam in it. As a result snow white Harley Quinn is born.
 

Fig.8. If you don’t know how to fight, stop worrying. Drink bleach!

Contrary to characters in the movie, I cannot seem to understand what sort of firepower Harley Quinn constitutes with her baseball bat, fancy gun and short shorts. She might be boring people to death with her jokes. Well, in fact she does not even make a lot of jokes. Being half naked, she might also be an element of surprise in actual battle. I really don’t know.
 

Fig.9. Margot Robbie’s acting is appreciated by every man who watches the movie at least once

Essentially, we have an ordinary person who can shoot and fight, who is claimed to be “a complete psycho” but make complete sense with every word, whose at least could be a complete psycho with better scenarists. Well, apart from her plot powered immortality power. Maybe someone like Superman can try squeeze someone like her to literally drink to gain her powers, who knows?
 

Fig.10. Instead of bulletproof west, may I have a plotproof costume, please?

So, instead of Harley Quinn, I propose having someone who can carry a little more than a gun, maybe a mortar cannon, who’s also mad but fanatically happy to serve his or her commanders. And no, he’ll not be wondering around in thongs. A bulletproof west might be better than a torn t-shirt as well. Then it’s settled, leave Harley Quinn as well.
 
Our third “super”villain is Captain Boomerang. For those who have not seen the movie, I feel to say that, no you’re not reading wrong. Captain Boomerang. He throws boomerangs very well. He’s also an alcoholic, has a “pink unicorn fetish” which explains the white stains on his toy unicorn unnecessarily well, and is a successful bank robber who got caught. No, his boomerang is not “magical”. No, he does not throw it at the speed of fuckin light. That’s an ordinary boomerang. Superpower of Captain Boomerang is to be able to be featured in a movie.
 

Fig.11. Captain Boomerang looking in awe to someone with actual superpowers

In fact he might have been useful at the end of the movie where the characters threw a bomb to destroy the world destruction machine, but since the bad guys were already defeated at that point, the whole scene is meaningless anyway. But no. Scenarists probably decided to kill him along with Slipknot who’s not even introduced and gets killed at his first chance but later forgot, who knows. He’s also useless, let’s get rid of him as well.
 

Fig.12. Look how dangerous he is. Aww

Our fourth super is “Killer Croc”. Due to devolution, although being in anthropomorphic form, he’s scaled like a croc, and seems pretty strong too. Maybe we could include him to our task force. He passes out shaking and foaming when shot with a taser like a normal person but what villain carries tasers around, right? Of course, we can always have a villain that can control electricity but he’d still be useful otherwise.
 

Fig.13. “Electricity? Never heard of it”

In the movie, at a point he undertakes the responsibility of carrying a bomb to an underwater place along with some divers, but later we see that the bomb is still detonated by one of the divers. Killer Croc seems to be busy with a few low level generic bad people, whom three of them can easily be defeated by someone with a regular baseball bat. We don’t know if he could stand such an explosion. Who has the time to research such a thing, right. They did their best to keep him in a sewer. Well, since the bomb is detonated by the divers, the reason why the Croc so confidently uttered “I live in underwater, you’re just tourists” is that his self-righteousness which he undoubtedly establishes where he says that he finds his snake skin handbag face “beautiful”. All he wants is to be the center of attention. Bastard.
 

Fig.14. Our weapons are ineffective #1

But wait a second, who’s going to make the final slow motion throw? Although every superhero movie ever made proved beyond doubt that military jets are absolutely useless, I still propose to use them. They do not need to “throw things”. The things they launch they their own propellers. Moreover, we can use heavy bombardiers for the brother of Enchantress as well. I am relieved. I thought world would actually be destroyed for a second there. So, we can release the reptile to nature.
 
It is just two pieces of probably C4 explosives (Hollywood loves ’em) that our heroes used to defeat the bad guys. Weakers bad guys are just defeated with baseball bats. I don’t know how they have any chance with an ordinary US citizen who’s in possession of shotguns, chainsaws and kitchen knives. Broadcast ’em to engage the fuckers, it brings people together.
 
Our fourth character is called El Diablo who can create and control fire, also a repented gang leader. Well, this introduction is kind of insufficient. He is hell incarnate. He’s a walking volcano. In fact, he’s Diablo from the game Diablo. But he caused the death of his family, therefore sworn not the any sort of violence again, let alone his superpowers.
 

Fig.15. Blizzard’s product placement

He has such a strong will that other characters are forced to insist nonstop for 17 seconds to renounce his vow. It is so unexpected to see characters with such depth in a superhero movie. He punches one of the villains to a designated place where a bomb would explode, no thanks to fucking Croc, thus stopping the villain with his self-sacrifice. Expendable character #2.
 
In fact, if you come to think of it, if this was his solo movie where the entire plot built upon his character, his past, his conflicts, his expectation, his pain, we could watch his metamorphosis (both physical and psychological). We would see his self-righteousness turn into self-loathing and then inner peace as he caused the demise of his loved ones, while saving thousands and in a final heroic act of defeating the enemy not because of his superpowers but with his selfless sacrifice and in death rising from the ashes of his criminal self to a champion of people in his shining armor like the legendary Phoenix whose story to be told by the generations to come inspiring people to do good, to be a part of something much greater than any one person but a species whose capable of doing the most notorious and the noblest things alike but in the end it is a journey towards the good, towards the just. The movie would have grossed $10K. Pass.
 

Fig.16. We also surprised that this is not his solo movie

The last villainous member of the Force is the NPC that you payed thousands of hard earned gold coins only to get a +1 to your sword, but in the end of the game realized that she is the person behind all evil and therefore stabbed happily in the hope of getting your gold back but upon searching her body furiously finding only a necklace of +10 HP and therefore cut her heart off and burned her body filling her ashes to a wooden bottle. Enchantress. Maybe the one who should have been killed was the DM all along, for postponing the preparation for the adventure to the last possible night.
 

Fig.17. The real hero the movie needs: Anyone with dual axes

After thousands of years from this adventure, during an archeological excavation, archeologist June Moon finds that bottle immediately and knowingly breaking it only to let the wretched soul free and possess her. But the weak spot of Enchantress is her incompetence to find her own heart before the government. Only if it had been kept by some Iranian. Her heart is kept in a fingerprint secured briefcase which also has a bomb rigged to it, ready to blow if Enchantress goes anywhere near it made by Waller herself. For this reason, instead of kidnapping every single person who’s cared by everyone around Waller in a split second and making them chop Waller’s hand off and handing her heart over, she releases her brother, whose bottle were just laying around (next table’s adventure at the convention) and getting free by his protective powers, starting to turn people into dark blue squishy, brainless monsters. For this reason, we cannot include Enchantress in our Force. Fortunately, she’s not as strong as Superman who can actually make a whole in your torso with his fist. Heroes without a superhuman strength casually engage a fistfight with her.
 

This is dance of death as done by Arabic people every day

Apart from these characters there’s also Rick Flag, who’s Moon’s lover and Katana, who possess a magical sword. Katana’s only contribution to the story is that Harley Quinn uses her sword to steal the heart of Enchantress. See what I did there?
 
Rick Flag is the only sane person in the movie who actually suggests to engage the bad guys with actual soldiers and regular weapons which in the end they beat monsters up by using them. No one seems to give a shit apart from him.
 
In summary, it would be more than enough to have Katana’s sword, not Katana herself, hundreds of soldiers, a couple of military jets, and autocannons as much as possible would be enough to stop these supervillains a few times over. And this way no supervillain is set free.
 

Her comebacks, however, are priceless. Pure wit

The summary of the plot is something like this: While demonstrating Enchantress’ powers, she escapes, sets her brother free and starts to build a machine of world destruction. Meanwhile Waller gets trapped in the city due to her generic soldiers. Task Force X is called to action and some nanite explosives are injected to their necks in case of disobedience. They enter the city not knowing whose they’re going to rescue. Their helicopter crashes but they don’t get hurt. They rescue Waller, but helicopter crashes while she being extracted. But she doesn’t get hurt.
 

Fig.18. Did you know that statistically helicopter crashes are the safest place on Earth?

At this point Joker comes with a helicopter to rescue Harley Quinn. With her bomb deactivated by Joker, the two escapes, but their helicopter crashes. But both of them don’t get hurt. Devastated by all these helicopter crashes, Flag sets members of the Task Force X free, but the supervillains were already a caring family. They decide to rescue Dr. Moon from Enchantress. They blow her brother with a bomb, defeat Enchantress with Katana’s sword and blow the machine of world destruction with another bomb. Flag smashes the heart of the Enchantress and Dr. Moon is rescued. Much wow.
 

Fig. 19. Our weapons are ineffective #2

The questions remaining from this shitty scenario are, why Harley Quinn gains superpowers (if any) from bleach, why the last throw is not done by Captain Boomerang, why the Killer Croc sacrificed someone else to blow the bombs, why is Harley Quinn is better with Katana’s sword than Katana, why helicopter crashes are this safe and at least why Captain Boomerang is not saved by his dirty pink unicorn which he carries in his inner pocket when stabbed, but saved by a stack of money
 
Because if a superhero falls into a tank of acid, he or she does not die but get stronger, because Killer Croc is not an expandable character but plot is, because Harley Quinn has to seem useful because people loves her ass more than Katana, because fuck helicopter pilots and lastly because director does not use Chekhov’s “if there’s a gun, it must blast” principle but he uses Michael Bay’s “if there’s a gun EVERYTHING BLASTA!” Now I see.
 

Fig. 20. “…and no weapon had any effect that day”

But if you actually liked the movie, I must admit I feel a bit responsible after all this negativity. Plase accept the following scenes as an apology. Thanks.

And lastly the funniest scenes of the movie. Here you go:

Fig. 21. Until next movie…